HOW COLD IS IT?

-by anonymous

An annotated thermometer
(degrees Fahrenheit, then Celsius)

+50 / +10

New York tenants turn on the heat

Wisconsinites plant gardens

+40 / +4

Californians shiver uncontrollably

Wisconsinites sunbathe

+35 / +2

Italian cars don't start

+32 / 0

Distilled water freezes

+30 / -1

You can see your breath

You plan a vacation in Florida

Politicians begin to worry about the homeless

Wisconsinites eat ice cream

+25 / -4

Boston water freezes

Californians weep pitiably

Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20 / -7

Cleveland water freezes

Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA

Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

+15 / -10

You plan a vacation in Acapulco

Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

Wisconsinites go swimming

+10 / -12

Politicians begin to talk about the homeless

Too cold to snow

You need jumper cables to get the car going

0 / -18

New York landlords turn on the heat

Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yum!

-5 / -21

You can hear your breath

You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10 / -23

American cars don't start

Too cold to skate

-15 / -26

You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo

Miamians cease to exist

Wisconsinites lick flagpoles

-20 / -29

Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you

Politicians actually do something about the homeless

People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens

-25/-32

Too cold to kiss

You need jumper cables to get the driver going

Japanese cars don't start

Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training

-30 / -34

You plan a two-week hot bath

Pilsener freezes

Bock beer production begins

Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof

-38 / -39

Mercury freezes

Too cold to think

Wisconsinites button top button

-40 / -40

Some Californians disappear

Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you

Wisconsinites put on sweaters

-50 / -46

Congressional hot air freezes

Wisconsinites close the bathroom window

Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60 / -51

Walruses abandon Aleutians

Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"

Wisconsinites put gloves away, take out mittens

Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-70 / -57

Glaciers in Central Park

Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets

Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste. Marie

-80 / -62

Polar bears abandon Baffin Island

Girl Scouts in Eau Claire, WI. start Klondike Derby

-90 / -68

Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro

Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles

Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer

-100 / -73

Santa Claus abandons North Pol

Wisconsinites pull down earflaps

-173 / -114

Ethyl alcohol freezes

Only Door County cherries usable in brandy Manhattans

-297 / -183

Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere

Microbial life survives only on dairy products

-445 / -265

Superconductivity

-452 / -269

Helium becomes a liquid

-454 / -270

Hell freezes over

-456 / -271

Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90 North to Wisconsin.

-458 / -272

Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)

All atomic motion ceases

Wisconsinites allow as to how it's getting a mite bit nippy.

Thank you girls and boys for reading this list... If there is anything I missed, feel free to email me.